I want you to know � I UNDERSTAND.
Sometimes this happens to me. It�s a moment of clarity and a flash of inspiration that comes to me when problems are solved, arguments resolved or when I finally have the answer to THE BIG QUESTION of the moment. It makes me do erratic things and think in different directions, go on mad missions or make me want to make someone�s day in any small way that I can. One time I even decided to drive to Clacton on Sea. There is nothing for me in Clacton on Sea, and since I lived in Blackpool at the time (over three hundred miles away) going there would have been especially mad (had I not changed my mind when I saw the signs to London).
So what do I understand? A little bit more about relationships, something about an experimental format for a new book I�m writing and a great deal about the importance of finding the right balance between sharing your thoughts with others and keeping your mouth shut when you have to.
Relationships.
My girlfriend and I had (SOMETHING). Was it a falling out? Was it an argument? Was it a disagreement? No, I don�t think so. We had (SOMETHING). Something unpleasant. We have just come back from a perfect fairy-tale trip to Venice where we spent romantic evenings in restaurants with candles and classically trained pianists, whose management gave us presents of champagne and deserts on two separate occasions (I suppose because we are such a great couple) and returned to spend Valentines day together in London. It was all magical, great fun. The only bad thing that happened was a lack of cheese on Michelle�s sandwich in a caf� on the first day. That�s it.
Then after being together pretty much all the time for over a week, we spent a day apart and on the Monday we spent four hours on the phone. It was horrible. The first two hours were great, and we just had a laugh and a joke and thought about the happy memories of Venice, but as we both grew tired (and Michelle was suffering badly with period pains, and feeling a bit down) I developed foot-in-mouth disease � saying the wrong things, or saying the right things in the wrong way, until I decided not saying anything would be the best approach. After four hours on the phone and without the inspiration to find the exact sentences that would make everything better, we said goodnight after some lame apologies and agreed to meet again the next day.
On the Tuesday I went around to Michelle�s house, where she lives with her parents and her sister. We were supposed to be cooking pancakes for the family, and my being there was a little like keeping up appearances, in a way, as we wouldn�t let our little (SOMETHING) stop me from coming around and making them think that there were problems between us. Michelle, her sister and her mum all met me at the train station to pick me up, and within five or so seconds I think I was able to imagine what it must have been like to be Jewish during the Second World War. Michelle�s mum was Himler in my mind, lthough Michelle wasn�t quite as militant (although she did make a point of dressing aggressively in camouflage trousers and a T-shirt which was blatantly anti-men. The subtlety was not lost. Thankfully Michelle is much too nice a person to be good at being nasty, although her mum was far better at it (she�s nice too, we get along fine (her mum scares me) (all mums scare me) (even mine) (and yours) (whoever you are)).
Ok Ok I�ll get to the point. I apologised, we made up, we made pancakes, we carried on making up. And a bit more. And we are planning to make up even more just as soon as we can get some time to ourselves. But now that we have made up, I�m thinking that the best course of action from now on is to keep my mouth shut. But no, I think I�m joking. Am I? Should I just keep my mouth shut? No, I should just try to be tactful and respect her feelings, and keeping my thoughts from her would be a bad thing. Hey � I have a problem with this, but I�m getting better. I need to work on this.
The book �
If I do something a bit different will it still be commercial? If I do something that follows the formula completely will it be interesting enough to be published? These are the torments of an unpublished writer. This is why I am writing a very special book that has been part of my life for two years with no expectations. It may not even be worthy of publishing in the end, but as long as it is as good as I can write it and it expresses what I want to say then that�s fine.
The trouble with this book is that it is so special that I don�t want to write it wrong. This makes it very difficult to start. What if I go off in the wrong direction? What if the characters aren�t quite right? Any small imperfection can drastically alter the story or the feel of the book. It�s not just a book. It�s a universe and it�s in my head. And it all starts with a deaf young girl with a circuit in her brain and a gunshot in her side, trying to find her way home.
In any case, the problem all comes down to words. Words and their HEAVINESS. Trying to find the perfect sentences to make everything all right.
It�s OK. I UNDERSTAND now. Tonight I am going to finally start my book.