What it�s like for me at the moment �
Shelley / Michelle, who I care deeply about, is getting incredibly ill and as her condition gets worse, so does her depression. She is house-bound, bleeding, fatigued, faint, lonely, vulnerable, sick and really needs someone to be there for her.
I have been seeing her practically every day for the past two months, and want to be there for her. On Tuesday I didn�t go around to see her, and she seemed to be incredibly upset about this. I didn�t go around to see her yesterday either because I had already made plans to meet someone who I have been neglecting for almost a month, but I did call Shelley as I could not be there in person.
Last night we spoke on the phone and we had the �it would be better if you find yourself a healthy girlfriend� conversation again. This is a way of Shelley both pushing me away and pulling me closer at the same time � let me explain :
1. Pushing me away. She selflessly offers me a �get out� so that I wouldn�t feel guilty about getting out of the relationship. She says that she is ill, she is pulling me down, holding me back, that she isn�t very interesting and that I would be better with someone else. In the past, my girlfriends have phrased it slightly differently ie �Fuck off, you motherfucking bastard. I hate your guts you gangly ginger twat.� But Shelley is lovely and is a bit more tactful. Anyway, I don�t think she wants me to go. She just doesn�t see why anyone would want to be with anyone who is ill. Maybe I was dropped on my head when I was a baby because I don�t see Shelley as a collection of illnesses, I see a person, a human being with thoughts and feelings who is worth just as much as the rest of us, and she is also special to me.
2. Pulling me closer. Although she does hang up on me when we are on the phone from time to time, and she does tell me that she doesn�t want to see me anymore, and she also tells me not to come to her house, I realise that this is reverse psychology and that what she really wants is for someone to be with her because she is lonely and vulnerable.
I do want to be there for her and these past two days I haven�t been at her house I feel as if she is trying to make me feel guilty for not being there � which an understandable way of letting me know that she wants me to be there as she is feeling so emotional, I understand that. But it is only two days, dammit and I refuse to feel guilty. While I do care about her and hate to see her ill, I am feeling a little emotionally tired. I feel selfish to want to spend time with other people as well, or to do the things that I am interested in. I swear I am spending a lot of time with Shelley and I am not being selfish for just wanting a couple of days to myself. It�s perfectly natural.
What I�m feeling now is the first little niggle of a strain on the relationship. When we speak on the phone we always seem to get into a disagreement when all I want to do is make her feel better in any small way I can. When I see her we spend most of the time hugging so that I am physically there for her. When I am not with her we send text messages and emails. I am making Shelley my life, and that�s ok.
I just wish she would stop resisting me being there for her. Travelling to St. Albans is no problem, especially as her family feed me so well (and I get to stroke her mum�s pussy) (cat). And I have no other problems with the relationship other than the way Shelley treats me�. Hmmm�. I am a man and have no brains.
She doesn�t insult me, she doesn�t argue with me or shout or hit me or anything like that. All she does is get upset with things that I say, and I try so hard not to say things to upset her. I don�t keep things from her or lie to her or anything like that, but I feel like I have to be very cautious about the way I say things so that she doesn�t feel upset.
I feel a bit selfish for writing about our relationship when the important issue is obviously her health. There�s nothing I can do about her health (apart from making sure her head is not in the way when I yawn and stretch in the morning (that�s no bad, I have managed to hit her in the face twice by mistake so far, nothing too hard or painful, but I regret it all the same)) so the only thing I can do is be there for her.
I�m trying.